Have you ever said to yourself, "How am I going to die?"
To be a goth on the inside, you don't have to wear a lot of eyeliner or have sex in a cemetery. I've spent years obsessing about death and life's meaninglessness, but in a lighthearted way. I live my life as if it were a loose garment! I'll open my arms and twirl and laugh like I'm in a shampoo commercial when the cold hand of death comes pointing its bony finger at me.
I'll say, "Bring it on."
Listen, we're all alive and we're all going to die. Anything you've done, said, or thought about in your life will be forgotten. You might also return as a different person, having forgotten about yourself. What I mean is that what makes life so amusing is how pointless everything is! Isn't it hilarious?
I'm just trying to lighten the mood before I tell you more about how you'll die.
Aries: Jet-Ski Accident
When an Aries takes their last breath, you can guarantee they'll do so quickly. If it occurs on a jet ski, motorcycle, or in the midst of some very rapid rebound sex, their death will undoubtedly be a tour-de-force exit; an Expiration Celebration, to use a phrase. They would die as they lived: enthusiastically and without trepidation.
Taurus: Buried Alive ( is a story about a man who was buried alive. )
All Taurus people love their things. We can't necessarily blame them. They're very cute people, with their cherub faces, wide eyes and cutesy knick-knacks. They gather up stuff like germs on a first-grader, and getting rid of it might require a reality TV crew, or possibly even an exorcism. Unless of course you're too late, and poor Taurus is found clinging to a dead cat under a pile of dusty books & antique cooking spoons.
Gemini: Hands Bitten Off
In astrology, each sign has a ruling body component. It's the hands for Gemini. Geminis are inquisitive, and they show their interest by touching objects. If you take them to the zoo on a date, they'll reach into the monkey house's bars and get their hands cut off. You should read this article as they bleed out. Do it as soon as possible, before their life force runs out. Geminis excel at multitasking, so bleeding profusely when listening to a story would appeal to them. They'll most likely appreciate the diversion.
Cancer: Falling Of The Roof, Yelling, “I'LL FIX IT MYSELF!”
Cancer, you are entirely too self-reliant. I know you truly believe that no one is as capable as you, but actually though, a lot of people are. A lot of people are actually way more capable than you.
Chances are, you'll kick the bucket tackling a task you aren't equipped to handle, like fixing a hole in your roof because “everyone's trying to rip you off,” or taking self-prescribed mood changers because “therapy is too expensive." On the bright side, you can also pay for your own funeral with all the money you saved playing Mr. Fix-It.
Leo: Mid-Flirtatious Gesture, Hair Stuck In Subway Doors
People might call you conceited but you're not, Leo. You're just really, really, really attractive and you know it. Beware of those good looks though; remember how Narcissus drowned staring at his reflection in the water? That could have been you. Not that anyone stops to look at nature anymore.
You're more likely to kick it taking a selfie while crossing an intersection, or flipping that gorgeous mane of yours over your shoulder ,right into the closing doors of a subway car. Messy, right?
Virgo: Dies of Undiagnosable Stress-Rash
Do you have a nagging feeling, Virgo? You are, of course! It's not like anybody would notice. You're not the one to let your emotions get the best of you. Virgos don't wear their feelings on their sleeves; instead, they manifest as hives, headaches, or indigestion on the inside of their bodies. You're not going to throw a tantrum like a child; instead, like a true adult, you're going to bottle up your feelings and let them transform into cancer!
Murder-Suicide Pact in Libra
Think Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde, Sid and Nancy. While they are beautiful, tragic stories of a love too precious for this cruel, cruel world, they have one thing in common: Everyone involved was crazy, and severely in need of therapy.
Love is actually NOT all that you need, Libra. You also need logic, so you don't end up dying like a sad sack of shit in a co-dependent story book only teenagers can relate to.
Scorpio: Just Suicide
Really, there's no surprise here. Scorpios are not strangers to death. In fact, death (of one form or another) seems to follow them wherever they go, throughout their lives. Whether it comes in the form of personal transformation, loss or near-death experiences,
Scorpios know that to experience death is to be reborn; and for that reason, they ain't skeered. It's waiting for Death to make a move that makes a Scorpio crazy, so they may just have to take matters into their own hands.
Sagittarius: Climbing Everest, Like An Idiot.
I know you want to fly and do crazy stuff, Sagittarius, and I'm not trying to sour your lemonade, but there are some things you can do that won't put your life in jeopardy. You should go to areas where you won't get typhoid, jungle hemorrhoids, or hypothermia.
Not that you'll pay attention to me if you're in the midst of your next vision quest. No, you won't be done until you've been starving to the point of cannibalism, so that we can all watch the next dying-on-a-mountain movie. You knucklehead. It's impossible for me to remain enraged at you.